A new version of myself.

              Photo by: Chris Aragon

I have been avoiding taking pictures of myself for quite a while now. I feel selfish and egocentric  every time I do. And if I dare to snap a selfie here and there I often crop my face out or I make sure someone else is in it, usually my daughter. 

Honestly for a while nothing felt quite true. After having our first baby I was always beyond exhausted, kinda grumpy at times and cried lots. I love her beyond words but I quickly lost myself to the busy. I didn't feel myself for a while. 

I struggled to see the potential behind this new season or the lesson that needed to be learned. I felt like I was missing the point. 

As Zara started to grow up and I slowly got myself back from maternity leave and back in to the real world I looked at myself in the mirror and looked at a yoga pants, messy bun and pizza for dinner kind of lady and asked myself

Is this me? I mean it is a new version of me. But I love cute outfits and curling my hair and setting pretty tables for guests with home cooked food...but this just doesn't happen much. 

I love my stay at home mom days more than anything but it took me a good while to see me again. 

Growing up I felt like I had to abandon all of my passions and things that fired me up when I became a mom. That once those little ones came it had to be all about them. But that is not the case at all. That our little ones need to see us full of passion. They need to see us pursuing Jesus wholeheartedly and using the gifts He's given us. They need to see us be brave and dressed up. They need to see us take time for ourselves, get in the Word, go on a retreat, have a girls night. Because we need to be full and overflowing Jesus to them. And that is just plain tough when it is all about the little ones all the time.

When we take time to recharge and get filled up we are better wives, mothers, daughters and friends. And that took me a long time to figure it out. 

Becoming a mom has been challenging, humbling and has broken me down all the way down to the very raw version of myself and I have learned to embrace it and love it and live a life on fire for God and my family. I feel alive and well in the midst of a life full of unknowns because the only constant is that God is in control.

Zara's {Birth} story

For the six first months after Zara was born I avidly tried to write her birth story but I was so tired and busy trying to figure out this tiny little human that I just couldn't get my thoughts straight. I was sleep deprived, I was overwhelmed with joy and with all kinds of emotions that it was very difficult to type anything that made sense. 

After the first six months I thought it was too late and so I decided to wait until her first birthday to write it. 

And this is how it all began...

It feels like it was just yesterday that I woke up at one in the morning on Valentine's Day last year and I started feeling some contractions.

Nothing too painful, they were not too close together and I was able to walk, so I thought it wasn't my time yet. 

We waited until decent hours to go to the hospital and get checked. It was already two weeks after my due date so I was due for a check up that morning.

I told Jon that morning that we needed to take my hospital bags just in case I had to stay, my instinct was telling me this could be it, maybe we were going to have a little valentine baby. 

At ten in the morning that morning that day my contractions were still not close enough but my blood pleasure was a bit higher than usual so the nurse re took it three different times and it was still high. 

I'm not gonna lie, I started to get nervous. 

After the third time I had my blood pressure taken and every time it came out higher than the last one, they had to do an ultra sound to check on baby. 

The amniotic fluid was low, there was a leak and baby was now exposed to possible infections and there was a possibility that the fluid could run out so they told me I needed to get admitted right away. 

Right after the sonogram my husband and I walked to the hospital that was just across the street from the clinic. The whole time I was calm and making all kinds of phone calls to our families who were eagerly waiting for news.

We checked in labor and delivery by 11:30am. My birth plan of having our baby at the birthing center was not even an option at this point. 

I received a hospital gown ,the nurse hooked me up to monitors that were checking my blood pressure and baby's heart beat and she placed an IV.

After 30min. of monitoring us my midwife came in the room and told me I had preeclampsia so I had to be given magnesium through the IV to prevent seizures during labor and that because of the leak in the placenta I needed to get induced.

As if labor wasn't scary enough on its own I had to do it while under the effects of magnesium. 

At 2:00pm they checked me to see how dilated I was and I was just 2cm dilated so they induced me at 2:30pm that day. 

Other than blurry vision, slurred speech and nausea I spent the night at the hospital and Valentine's Day came and went and still no baby Zara. 

The next morning I woke up and I was very tired from the magnesium and all the side effects that come with it. 

Nurses came in and out, the midwife came in and checked me and I was dilating very slowly. 

The magnesium made my body so weak that every contraction felt like I was gonna break in half. 

Around 11:00 am the anesthesiologist came in the room and asked me if I wanted an epidural, I really didn't want it but due to the circumstances and the magnesium I caved in and had it. 

An hour later my water broke, and it was go time. 

With epidural and all I was still able to feel the contractions so I was able to push with every contraction instead of the midwife telling me when to push. 

It sounds easier than it actually was but it really helped to feel when to go. 

One hour went by and still no baby, I was getting very tired. My doula was a sweetheart, she fanned me and fed me ice cubes, gave me Chapstick and made sure to let me know I was doing a great job. 

I kept pushing with every contraction for two and a half hours, I was exhausted I even remember saying "I can't anymore" until the midwife told me baby was crowning and at that moment I got a second wind and out she came. The most beautiful little human I had ever seen. 

Zara was born at 2:34pm on Saturday, February 15,2014. 6lbs3oz - 20.90 long

So peaceful & quiet, she was placed on my chest with her eyes wide open and placing her cheek on my chest. Hands down the best moment of my life yet. 

I had to stay under the magnesium for 24 hrs after delivery so we stayed at the hospital one more day and we were able to go home Monday. 

And just like that "Ramirez party of 3" was born and ready to go home. 

Zara {28 Weeks}

Zara is very active, she has always been but now that she can pull her self up she won't stop moving and wanting to go places. 

When she holds her self up in the crib and takes a hold of it she moves around the perimeter of the crib and let's herself down, sometimes gently others not so much. 

She's been on solids for about a month now, she is not a fan of peas but likes carrots and potatoes.

Z is such a happy baby, she smiles at strangers at the grocery store, yells at every kid that storms by and she wishes she could run with them. 

She likes being held a lot, not a lot of self soothing happens over here which makes chores a little close to impossible these days. 

Baths and any activity that involves water are a hit with her and with this triple digit weather we enjoy them even more so. 

Zara {20 weeks}

Five months with our sweet baby today

We love her strong personality, at this young age we can already see glimpses of who she is. I love staying at home with her and observe every little change she goes through.

Zara has been rolling over a lot better this month. All that tummy time that she is not too fond of is paying of. 

She is always looking around every time we enter a new place.

Loves to smile when someone smiles at her and has loud conversations with dad when he gets home from work.

Jumping has been her favorite activity these days.
Zara has started to recognize familiar faces and gets very excited when she sees someone she recognizes.
Her bottom gums look a little swollen, so I am guessing she is teething, also because she has been fussier than usual and her night schedule has completely changed.

Going for walks in the carrier are still one of our favorite things to do together.

Every day I am amazed of how much she has grown in these five months that to me feel like five days.

Zara {16Weeks}

Month 4 has been a month of new discoveries.

Z found out it is fun to reach for her feet an suck on her big toe.

She has been able to sit up on her own for short periods of time. 

Tummy time is exciting for her now, she looks through books, plays with teething toys and screams at the ceiling for no apparent reason, it is just amusing for her. 

Staring and talking to her reflection in the mirror is hilarious for us. She smiles and reaches for it. 

Teething pain has been the only low this month but even through the discomfort she has been her happy self for the most part.

She is still nursing a hundred percent.

This month we dedicated her at church. I will post about it soon. Free time is a luxury now a days. 

Zara {8Weeks}

Zara is a lot of fun, she is sort of sitting on her own, although she sort of falls to the side. At 8 weeks she got to experience her first Easter and likes taking short walks in the baby sling.

She has a little bit of baby acne and her hair is slowly growing, specially in the back.

Took her first vacation to Vegas to celebrate her great grandma's birthday and she did amazing in the car.